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yayninamarie's journal
You are viewing yayninamarie's journal
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I'm so glad school has started, it has really taken my mind off things and it actually has put me in a better mood. Maybe I have been a tad dramatic the last 3 months about the break up. Now that I think back, that relationship changed me. It made me into a person that was well, kind of boring. And I don't want that. For the day, i'm happy. But I guess we'll see what mood i'm in tomorrow. I'm trying to be strong.
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I don't know how to feel anymore. I'm so discontent about everything now a days. I can't help but to care what he's doing and who he's with. At this point I no longer believe in happiness or love. He tells me to not settle for less. But it's all i'll ever be doing now. How can he not be in love with me anymore? I know I always ask myself this. But I wish there was a clear answer. Whenever I ask myself this, I always think he was lying, or it can't be true he's just hiding from his feelings. I'm so lost right now. Once again I wish I could just fast forward to the future to where everything is set. Where I know what my career is, my family, my life. I truly believe that he is the one for me. I wish that he would see it. I wish that he would come back. I wish is all i've ever been doing. Wishes don't come true. It's just giving that person false hope for something that will never happen. Ironic: I wish that wishes do come true. I wish life could go the way I wanted exactly; there's another I wish...Maybe I should stop wishing and just do it. Ugh but whenever I do do it, it never goes according to plan and I end up feeling like this...I need to take charge of my life again. I just want him to see things the way I do, well at least understand it.
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I don't know what to believe in anymore. I don't see how love is real. So many people these days are always getting married then divorced. It seems like happiness can only last for so long until everyone is miserable. I've never felt this way about someone before, and its been killing me inside. I wish I could have a time machine. He claims that he doesn't have the same feelings for me anymore, and I just don't know what to believe. I really thought he would be it. I've never wanted to sulk so much before. I don't really want to be around many people either. Life has been falling apart these last few months. I just wish I could go back to where I was happy. This has been the worst feeling I have ever felt for someone. I was stupid to let him down. And now he doesn't trust me with his heart. I don't blame him, but I wish he would give me another chance so I can prove to him that I do care. I let my feelings get the best of me. And I want to change that. I need to start thinking more. God I miss him so much. I just want him to listen to me, and understand everything. I've given up on praying again. It seems like I never get my prayers answered. I need a miracle, sign, something. I'm loosing my hope slowly. I've lost my faith in happy endings. All those movies are just make believe and it gives you false hope in believing something like that can happen in your life. Those movies just mock you for having such a shitty life. I'm slowly giving up. And this is one of those nights that i've reached my low. Maybe not the lowest, but one of them. I'm starting to get sick of listening to other people and what they have to say about this whole situation. The only opinion that I care about is his. I try to tell myself that everything will be fine, but it never is. I guess i'm just lying to myself about it. But it will last for a while, however it all catches up to me. Which is why I end up like this tonight. Ugh, I need to stop being such a spiteful person. Can't I just fast forward time so I can live the life i'm supposed to? Can't I be with the person who i'm meant to be with now? Or is fate just another lie. My friends have dwindling slowly. I lost my best friend, my lover, my comfort, my everything. I don't think i'll ever stop being in love with him. But who knows, we'll see. I'll probably look back at this entry and think wow I was such a stupid person back then. Or maybe i'll remember what I went through or something. I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. I thought I had my future all figured out or at least close to it.
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i cant explain how i feel. ive been thinking a lot lately and im so distant from everyone now. lately all i want is just to be by myself and i dont want anyone to bother me. im not even looking forward to anything anymore except leaving. he started talking to me again, and i found myself not over him. i dont want to be like this i hate myself. i stopped talking to him. but theres still that little hope in me that he will talk to me/want to see me over break. and i want to crush that feeling making it go away. all i want to do is just lay in bed and do absolutely nothing.
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you know i tried being friends with you. and you still dont give a fuck. and i still find myself caring about you. ill never be your best friend again like before. i was always there for you and then you tossed me away. i remember when you had not so many friends to turn to, and i was there. everything is just gone.
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The way some people try and kiss up to someone really bugs me. ive decided im just going to wait to date again once i get into college. maybe things will be better and different? /= i just really want to leave and get out. sometimes i miss you but thats a rare thing. i just miss being in a relationship with you. but i dont miss your personality at all. nothing i do ever seems to make up for what i did. i need to stick to my own advice and listen to myself. the past is unchangeable. move on. although i do have many potential people whod be with me, it doesnt feel good or right. dating sucks.
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It's so frustrating how we act like we're going out. The story is I like a lot and I really want to go out with you. But will you ever be up for a relationship with me? /= The good thing I like about this livejournal, is that it's private but it's not. None of my in real life friends reads this. The only times people will ever read this is if I post it on my twitter.
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i hate how our friendship got ruined. all i want now is to be friends with you. i dont want to be with you, we used to be best friends before we became a couple and i miss that. you were one of the few i told things to.
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Im so sick of everything. Im sick of school, I just want to leave, im sick of being here, i want to move, im sick of all the activities ive involved myself in, im doing way too much and im stressing myself, im sick of waiting for you to do something, im done dwelling on you, im just so sick and tired. i need a break, but i know i wont get that. im coming to the real world and ill never really have any breaks. i need to stop slacking and procrastinating, i need to get serious again just like i was freshman year. i need to clean my car, clean my room, clean my clothes. i need time, i just need that. and i can never get any now, because im dumb and had to involve myself in so many school activities because im striving to get into my first choice of college? i need to retake the act's and do the sat's. was there any way i couldve been more prepared for the future? i can honestly say i loved being in a public school my high school years, and it changed me a lot. but, i wish my parents kept me in a private school, so that way i couldve learned good study habits and what not. i loose track of time, i loose track of what i need to do everyday. i need to be organized. i always say what i need to do but i never do anything to change it. each every day when i drive to some place, i realize more things about me. i guess i could say im more impatient than patient. im a bad friend. because i honestly dont give a fuck when it comes to friendships and i dont care to save them. but yet i care for relationships and try to save them? whats wrong with me? i need to get my priorities straight. theres another need. ugh god. im about to breakdown into pieces. i cant handle this anymore. what can i do?
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so looking back at the pass, i miss parts. i miss who you used to be compared to now. but i can honestly say i dont miss you at all now. im happier with someone else. the parts i wish i could change is that i wish i gave us more time before we did anything maybe things wouldve turned out different, and i wish we didnt do anything after we broke up all you did was use me. but i cant think of that. all that matters now is what has happened and what is now. i cant dwell on the past because my future is ahead of me and i have to grasp it.
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chipper
confused
depressed
annoyed
anxious